January 9, 1999

..."To live only once, many times,

Between the moments.

The tiny little moments.

The tiny little life

between the moments.

Cunning little road.

If you wait

you're never ready,

Urgently, I'm learning.

First the lust

And last,

The yearning."

Gonzalo Andrés Aponte

San Juan, Puerto Rico

5/10/94

-------------------- Engine age -------

yup. got th story of my life there, trickling drop by drop

to fleetingly pool @ th leaky bottom of th cracked glass bowl

of self: th deepening echoes sound th range of circling desire-

from purest aspiration to basest craving along th rainbow

of appetites- ambition zeal thirst itch longing or greed-

we find th mirage to lend us appropiate direction, fuel

for th motion joining point after point into lines, circles, spirals...

(let me tell you, i'm all of forty-four, i've been there & back

-by th way, i'm over th corpse, i guess: four in japanese

is th character- th sound?- for death, & forty-two is a dead body...

am i being kept in th dark about something important?

i found- didn't quite make my way, haha- been there & back...

i may be losing it here, but i made good my escape even if i could never

break free or get away...this is th voice that keeps ringing in my ear-

no names, no pictures, no names no pictures- i dare you

to find th way to tell my story protecting th truly innocent...

you cd fill yr face...no more smarty-pants shorthand...

is this enlightenment or disintegration? derangement? i fell into a nap...)

Thursday th 16, 07.1998 (20h56) love is a corpse...

love is a dead body/wrappd around my loins...

I'm a hungry ghost/knocking at yr pleasure's door...

love is a dead body/& I'm sown up inside...

to be laid up/for yr rotting banquet...

(there is no force besides desire

there is no boundary but fear

craving is shadow to desire

& respect, th wounded heart in fear...)

there is no punishment but shame

no love without th healing touch

as joy releases th accepting self

(no self but spirit mirrored in dull flesh)

there is no force except desire

or fulfillment but in flight...

(is this it here?)

everluv, d=(8{>