September 22, 1999

it's th midweek, when i prefer to travel & i had to drag myself to take

advantage of an

offer from th french trains & didn't make it out to antibes until after

four thirty. so

much for a day @ th beach. my throat is bothering me again. gotta buy some


don't know if i'll make it out to quinson & th relais notre dame run(i

think, still) by

a wonderful french-german couple...also thought of vising some wine

producers who

started th switch to organic (or 'biologique' as they call it here) ten

years ago, &

welcome guests to stay over & get a feel for th viticulture involved...keep

meaning to

call them, but five o'clock goes by & i hesitate on trying them @ this

particular internet cafe seems to be @ least run by a young, red maned


i keep feeling th urge to make an attempt @ starting to walk el camino, w/

th voice of

reasonable fear (fearful reason?) bringing attention to my health problems,

lack of

hiking experience...i think th inner turmoil is making me sicker but have

no sense of

how to get beyond th impasse...acceptance, acceptance, acceptance...

as it stands, tonight is my last night @ hotel athena in nice, but i have


for nothing or nowhere else...le jardi in barcelona seemd to have some

available rooms

fortomorrow & friday nights- sept. th 23 & 24- but was bookd for th next

two nights,

spotty availability of rooms over th week...have no sense of my

options...not easy,

keeping it in th moment- i seem to live one day @ a time in all th wrong

ways, looking

ahead in anxiety, paralysed & not quite doing th footwork...what'll i

do/what'll i do?

all you need is...d=(8{>